this is my journal, as this expands i might create monthly entries, like.
"oh this is August 2026 list of journal entries, and here is January 2027 list of journal entries"
but as it stands now i don't deem that necessary
today is my first day of senior year at my high school, for awhile i wasn't doing good in school but recently i managed to do well enough to where i caught up with everything and i'm on track with graduating this year.
im pretty nervous but i guess im always nervous about the first day of school.
today i went to the doctor and was very nervous
im not really good with doctors and i never have been. one time when i was a kid i slipped and hit my chin and bled everywhere and had to get stitches
i dont remember a lot of it but i remember seeing all the blood and freaking my mom out
i had to have blocked some of it out because for the life of me i can't remember a good part of it
just the blood
i attribute this memory to the immense fear i have of blood
ive never ever been good with blood i mean is anyone ever "good" with blood?
maybe doctors
ㅤ
ive done a lot of thinking recently and its been hurting my head a lot. i like im losing my sense of self
sometimes i'll doubt myself. arguing with an opposing party that doesnt exist.
and its weird. im the most sure person i know. if anyones certain of anything. its me.
but i guess that statement is contradictive in a way. and in the same token this one is too, how could i be so certain of myself when im constantly doubting myself?
ive also been one to keep an open mind. always.
a few weeks ago i was driving with my cousin, and the person ahead of us was going 70 in an 80
my cousin says "what the hell is this person doing? we're gonna be late to the movies."
i keep a level head and say i don't know, i think of how we're only 10 minutes from the theatre, and how previews take around 10 minutes to play.
then today as im being driven to the doctors, my grandma was going 30 in a 40
i anxiously look in the rear view mirror contemplating what people are saying about my grandma's driving.
i keep a level head and think maybe my cousin is a hothead with a short temper, and yet i agree with everything he says.
as im thinking about this my grandma makes small talk by complaining about my grandfather's slow movements
"he's got parkinsons" i think, rationalizing, as i nod my head, agreeing with her.
maybe i'm the one with an absurd level of patience, a standard nobody else is expected to match
why can't people be as patient as me? why does seemingly everyone i encounter lack the simple ability to rationalize other people's behavior?
then again, you are not normal, you aren't a normal person, you have an absurd level of patience, you believe everyone can't mean the worst.
and what's wrong with that? what's wrong with believing people are naturally aimed to be good to others? to act onto others as you would yourself?
it's weak. it's pathetic.
it's mean.
and here you go again, arguing with an opposing party that doesnt exist.
is this what keeping an open mind is?
to constantly be at ends with yourself?